I’ve been thinking the notion of the lesbian hookup for a while.
Mostly because we cannot locate a steady blast of lesbians enthusiastic about hookups (vs. monogamous relationships). Rather than for not enough trying. I do not flatter myself on other fronts, namely the monogamous dating relationship that I am someone every lesbian in NYC (and beyond) wants to be with in any capacity, but there is in fact a certain steady interest in me.
I recognize you can find pouches of this community that is lesbian being poly is an easy method of life, often even when having a main partner: The fat dyke/trans community, the BDSM community, the sex-positive activist/erotica writer/advice columnist/blogger audience and stuff like that. But, for ordinary (though maybe maybe not vanilla) solitary lesbians that are neither supporters nor joiners, there was a vast void in the dyke community, such as for example it really is, within the arena of casual sex/casual relationships.
I happened to be (luckily!) with another lesbian with similar causal sexual leanings as mine one other night and she stated she have been searching for and researching casual lesbian intercourse for many years and found a comparable void. She explained it appears in her experience most lesbians don’t enjoy sex with actually females. And, although I’ve never pinpointed it myself or reported the problem in those exact terms that can also be my experience. It’s also my experience that a lot of lesbians don’t even know the technical areas of lesbian sex, which will be really disappointing. There is apparently, within the general pool of available lesbians, a genuine trouble with the notion of intercourse as a whole, making the jump to really making love close to impossible.
For just as much as we’ve come a way that is long child, there nevertheless remains the cobwebs associated with the proven fact that intercourse is yucky or taboo or sacred or… something apart from an intentional, effective reference to another woman, whether a one-time fuck or a continuing NSA deal. It is quite troubling for me on numerous levels. It dates back to my core belief that mainstreaming queerness (same-sex wedding, queer families, and lesbians having young ones at light-speed) additionally the attendant constantly-tired-lesbians-with-no-time-for-sex and/or lesbian bed death running rampant is just a by-product of ceasing to determine as a radical (and passionate) community. Every one of which creates an environment in which the lesbian hookup is seen not just with suspicion, it is cast whilst the weak substitute for the almighty relationship that is monogamous.
The leisure pursuit of the casual lesbian hookup vs. the desperate search for a monogamous life time mate, life partner, co-parent or any other long-term, fulltime (read: legitimate) relationship generally seems to contradict, contraindicate and very unfortunately reverse the clock on both the feminist/hippie-waged intimate revolution and our very own lesbian community’s strive for the intercourse lifestyle that is positive. And therein lies the sc rub: As just as much as we lament mainstream—and other—outlets (news, family members, buddies, faith, colleagues, etc.) pigeonholing lesbianism into the “lifestyle” box, the lesbian community in reality has lain straight straight down very nearly dead and taken in the mantle for the “lifestyle” default position rather than producing, nurturing and keeping intriguing and various satisfying positions both intimate and intellectual!
Yes, the city has its intercourse good activists, however they are mostly talking with the converted, preaching towards the choir. As an example, we receive Carol Queen’s news alerts on a daily basis,|basis that is regular NYC’s Lesbian Intercourse Mafia’s notices, different regional intercourse arty invites, converse and debate with Joan Nestle, read (and meeting and write on) Tristan Taormino, etc. We wonder exactly how many of these females and their teams are experiencing sex that is casual the choir being ecstatic and sexually pleased revelers as opposed to bored stiff and lonely 
supporters among these sexual pioneers and experts. Exercising exactly what one preaches is not always simple, but does anybody really walk the talk today?
Whatever the case, my current hookup comrade also suggested this 1 of her past hookup partners hit upon a prospective solution, if you will, for worries and loathing of lesbian hookups: THE FIND OUT DATE. That is a euphemism that appears to result in the hookup more palatable. This notion involves the scenario where one girl satisfies another aided by the intention, when there is chemistry, in order to make out without any force to “take it underneath the waist” though that is a” that is“plus the equation. Just as much as making setting up more “palatable” to more lesbians makes me personally exceptionally queasy as it smells of more mainstream bullshit, begging and pleading, I am all for this if it gets dykes off their couches and in to the hands (and pussies) of other lesbians. As well as in specific if it improves and develops on intimate fascination, enhancement intimate knowledge and strategy a change in worldview in regards to the host to casual intercourse when you look at the community that is lesbian.
Extra ideas from the sis in a current shared hookup:
There are a great number of clubs/groups/organizations (for instance the Lesbian Intercourse Mafia, BDSM audience, etc.) have always been perhaps not a part of every of them, but i’ve gone to a reasonable couple of events and none have actually ever ended with and sometimes even come near to resulting in casual intercourse. Plus, do i must belong to a club sex that is casual? Gay males have actually unaffiliated casual sex all the time. (i really do understand that these are far more than “clubs”—they may also be communities come together to coach and help each other and have now friendships along with sex.) But nevertheless, as an unbiased individual, have sex that is casual!
And, I wonder if ladies believe that casual intercourse, or find out dates seem ( hate this expressed term) slutty? wonder if ladies who would like a monogamous relationship fear they won’t find yourself in one single if they’re having casual intercourse? But i do believe they are two split things. Having a (healthier!) long-lasting committed/monogamous relationship is exactly what lots of women want, (and gosh, that seems ideal to me personally, too). BUT, BE CELIBATE AS THEY ONE?! countless factors take part in having a relationship that is successful normally it takes quite a long time to locate a match and/or develop one thing long run with anyone. So I think in this new blossoming period of the WRITE OUT DATE females ought to know it’s ok to own enjoyable while you’re out there dating—whether you intend to eventually be monogamous—or not!
AND – this bed death thing that is lesbian? I do believe several of that is about women who don’t enjoy having sex period. The rest of my relationships with women are NOT about having sex if i had a girlfriend or life partner, I’d want to be having lots of sex—because. There’s no point in having a girlfriend unless sex is involved. (not saying you don’t have much deeper relationship together with your loved one on other amounts.) But actually, We have a lot of, and such buddys which are here for me personally on many levels that are deep.